For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be a mother.
I would mother my brothers, the neighbourhood children, the pets, my dolls and teddy bears, etc.
I had this idea in my mind of what being a mother would be like. I took what I had seen in movies, adverts, stories, magazines and heard from other mothers, and I began to build up my picture of how it would be for me.
I had this dream, and I couldn’t wait for it to become a reality!
As time passed s-l-o-w-l-y for my dream to come true, the anticipation grew and by the time I first held my beautiful boy in my arms, that dream was just about waiting to explode! My dream had FINALLY come true!
But my dream was not built entirely on reality.
A lot of my hopes and expectations were based on the often unrealistic and ‘photo shopped’ image of motherhood. As I began the role of being a mother, I became confused, angry, scared and did I mention petrified? Where was the dream? The angelic baby sleeping peacefully in his antique cot, which sat in his tastefully decorated baby room, complete with rocking chair and every other essential item a mother might need? Why wasn’t I glowing with that ‘Madonna’ glow of glorious motherhood?
I felt as if I had been robbed! Why me?
My emotions were tumbling around in my mind, taking on a life of their own. They began to consume me and control me. Each day would see me swinging manically from joy and love to bitterness and resentment. My dream was dead. I was a failure as a mother. Was this the end? If my dream was dead did this mean that I would never be able to fulfill the role of being a mother?
Yet, in the midst of this loss, God reminded me of the many promises He made to me with regards to my future:
“For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.”( Jeremiah 29:11)
“You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered.” (Psalms 139:16 & 17)
God has called me to be a mother. It is built into my DNA and His dream for me is to be a blessed mother. PND was not a part of His plan for me. It was a result of living in a fallen world and all it’s mess. This gave me glimmer of hope. I finally saw a ray of light breaking through the dark cloud of depression.
But first I had to confront my problem, this illness that had robbed me of my dream.
I had to acknowledge the loss of my hope and dream. I had to mourn the idea of how I thought motherhood would play out for me. And then I had to move on. I had to reach out to God and to the loved ones and friends He had put around me. Because I knew that going this was the only way I could move forward. For the sake of my children, my husband and myself.
Below is a quote from an article by Karla Helbert, MS,LPC:
“The most important thing in getting through grief and loss ,coming through to the other side, is having hope and having support. Research has shown that grieving people, no matter how acute the loss, who are able to identify some aspect of hopefulness, are able to move through grief with a better outcome.
What is a “better outcome”? I think that means with the ability to feel functional, to feel as though you can contribute to the world, that you can feel happiness again, that you can begin new endeavors, and even though you may be left with a scar, you can move forward and not only survive, but thrive, in your life after loss.
You may be in a place where hope seems hard to reach. But sometimes just hoping that you can get out of the bed today may be enough. You may hope to get out of the grocery store without crying, or hope that tomorrow will be a little bit better than today, or hope that you can get through the next five minutes. Honestly, having that little remnant of hope may get you through it. Without hope, you’d likely find yourself breaking down in the cereal aisle.”
My prayer for you today, dear friend, is that there may be healing and hope in your tears.
From my heart,
P.S. Go to the Sunshine page and watch a video interview by Ted Bowman entitled “Shattered Dreams”. In it he explains the importance of mourning.
Really good food for thought!